Engagement

Wow, this month has flown by! I can't believe that June is almost over. We got engaged in June, so I often like to celebrate, but because of all of the stuff happening, we really didn't get to do anything. Our engagement story is great. Gess tricked me and planned out this elaborate scheme, which included the rose garden at Boise State U, flying from Boise (where we lived at the time) to Seattle, meeting some of Gess's family, dinner at a beautiful restaurant on the water, and the flying back home. He also had a friend videotape the engagement. I will have to dig up that tape sometime...but for now, here are a couple of pictures from that day (11 years ago!!)! Aren't we cute?? :)

Progress on the list...

Yesterday I crossed something off my list--I sat for boudoir photos!  I know, crazy :)  I have been thinking about it for awhile, not so much for my husband (though I am sure that he won't mind seeing the pictures), but for myself.  In doing some research on photography for a friend, I came across some really great sites, and I was struck by how fabulous and self-confident this "regular" women looking in these photographs.  Self-confidence is always one area that has been hard for me and having photographs taken seems like a form of torture at times, so this seemed like a good "test" for me and a way to push myself out of my own box. 

My great friend Steff decided to come up from Portland for the session with me and we had a great time!  I was surprised about how relaxed I felt.  I haven't been that relaxed when being photographed, ever, which is ironic, given the situation.

I haven't seen any of the photographs yet, but I am hoping that there are some that look good and that I--the relaxed me--was captured.  I am nervous about seeing them though, I will admit!

I did learn a good lesson--things that you think are super noticeable are probably not.  I said something about my scar from my recent surgery and the photographer said "what scar?"  

So, part one was a great success--let's see how part two (seeing the photos) goes!  (And no, I am not posting them on the blog :) )

History--Engagement

So...I am feeling a bit sentimental tonight, so I thought that I would tell my engagement story. I had been dating Gess for a year. It was our 1 year anniversary and Gess told me that he had a job interview in Boise so that we would go out for lunch after. He talked to my professor (the joys of a small college) and got me excused from the quiz. We drove into Boise (we lived in Nampa at the time, which is about 20 minutes away). He told me that we had some time before his interview (which was supposedly at Home Depot) so we would go to the rose garden that we liked to go to. So, we went and walked around. He was being sweet and stopped us in front of a particular rose bush--the Singing in the Rain roses. Then he got down on one knee and proposed. I said yes (of course), and then he pointed out that one of his professors was a little ways away videotaping the proposal. So sweet! After that, the professor took some pictures of us around the garden (see them below).

After that Gess said that he really did need to go to the interview and we got in the car and drove off. He "got lost" and we ended up at the Boise Airport. He told me that there was one more surprise in the airport, so we went inside. We got through security (after I showed off my bling to the security checkers of course!) and went to one of the gates (this was pre-9/11 and the changes in security). We sat there for awhile and then there was a call for a flight to Seattle. Gess stood up and said "That's us!" He had booked us on a flight to Seattle for the day. I was so excited.

He wanted it to be special so he rented a Town Car--not the best car for Seattle :) I remember him trying to parallel park that thing :) Anyway, he had arranged for us to meet his cousins for coffee. After that we went to downtown Seattle and just walked around. Then we had dinner at Palisade. It was a great dinner and a beautiful location.

Then we got back on the plane and flew back to Seattle. The next day, half of the college knew about the engagement, so it was easy for me to show off my ring and talk about the story.

Isn't he sweet??? :)

What I woke up to this morning...

Isn't my hubby sweet? :)

Self-Conscious

We had portraits taken today, by a great friend who has taken ours before and I feel comfortable with him. But for some reason when the camera comes out or when I feel like someone is really looking at me, I tense up. I feel like when someone is looking a me, they are seeing all of the flaws. Seeing the flab, the wrinkles, the teeth that aren't white enough--seeing all of my imperfection magnified. Seeing how ugly I am. In front of the camera is not the only time I feel this way, but it is an example of when the feelings are really magnified. There are times--many more times than I would like to admit--that I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin.

It is embarrassing to say this, and to do so in such a pubic manner. I am 30 years old, nearly 31, so you would think that by now I would be comfortable with myself. I have been married for nearly 10 years to a man that clearly loves me, with all my flaws. So why can't I just love myself? Why can't I look at myself in the mirror--really look--without cringing? Do other people see someone that I don't see? Is my self-concept so distorted that I can't see the real me? Or is this me?

I look at a lot of pictures, pictures of wedding and portraits and I love to see women--regular woman--who have so much self-confidence and so much "spunk" that comes across in the photos. I think that I have some spunk in here somewhere--in fact, I know that there is a lot of "sass," but how do I get it to come out? How can I really be comfortable letting that out. I want to have that captured in a photo. I want a person to look at a picture of me and think "That woman likes herself and is comfortable with herself. She has personality." But is this is dream? Can I ever be that woman? Can I be her? Or am I just NOT that woman? I want to be the woman that wears bright red shoes and stands tall as she walks into the office. I want to be the woman that runs into the ocean, getting her beautiful dress wet, but not caring. I want to be that women that can look at someone without fear and let the real me come out. But I think that this may be asking too much.

Life Motto

A few months ago I was waiting in line at Barnes & Noble and a magnet really struck me. So I bought it and committed to adopting it as my new "motto."


Photo from proper trooper


For the first couple of weeks I was able to do something each day that scared me--some huge things and some tiny things. But as time has passed, I have moved further and further way from thinking about this each day. But today as I am sitting at my desk I noticed the magnet and was reminded of the motto. So, in a spirit of renewal, I am going to renew this motto today and really strive to adopt this.

What did you do today that scares you?